Of Spurious Spam and Non Sequiturs – Part I

 

I almost never look at my site stats, for I am convinced they are evil.  And yet this morning I gave in to the temptation and noticed all kinds of information about how many visits were made to my blog, how many hits per day, what kinds of clicks are done, and all other kinds of meaningless information that will allow me to draw all sorts of odd conclusions as to whether or not mine is a successful blog in the eyes of WordPress.  It was then that I noticed the Comments summary; not the normal comments I am aware of and have responded to all along, but the ones that some robotic fellow named Akismet had sequestered away in clandestine quarters labeled SPAM…

Since I need to update my blog anyway as my Halloween post is now stale and out of date, I thought I would have a little fun copying a few of those interesting comments and perhaps respond to them here.  I wouldn’t want the Spammers thinking I’m a rude person, ignoring them.  What a fun little exercise!

“{Nonameattached}  (at) … (dot) … (com)” commenting on “Weekly Photo Challenge” writes:

{Hello|Hi} just thought i would tell you something.. This is twice now i’ve landed on your blog in the last {2|3} {days|weeks} {looking|searching|hunting} for {completely|totally} unrelated things. Spooky or what?…

Well then…  {Hello|Hi} to {you|it} this {morning|afternoon|evening}. I too just thought I would tell you something.  This is {several|many} times I’ve read this comment in the last {2|3} {minutes|hours} {looking|searching|hunting} for {something|anything} remotely related to {a point|evidence of brain activity} .

Spooky indeed…

“xrumerguy” commenting on “Song Lyrics as Masterpieces” writes:

Wonderful beat ! I wish to apprentice while you amend your web site, how could i subscribe for a blog site? The account helped me a acceptable deal. I have been tiny bit acquainted of this your broadcast provided vivid transparent idea

How very fortunate of me!  I didn’t realize I would be amending my web site, let alone have a need for an apprentice.  I’ll get back to you as soon as I figure out what a vivid transparent idea is…

“Neillonghirst” commenting on “Weekly Photo Challenge” writes:

i hope you dont mind me posting this for my first post , i found up2randomthoughts.wordpress.com while searching for materials and hope its the right site to ask this question, i was wondering if any one on here has any good information on metal sheds, i was thinking of building from scratch but i cant find any info or construction drawings on one,it needs to be around 14 meters x 22 meters with a large door at the front,
there was a guy who posted here a few weeks back who said he knew of a computer softwear program to design them if he sees this would you please pm me now so i can get back to you or if any one can help me please reply as i have tried googling it but seem to get loads of rubbish, i could also do with some help with the structure parts i have been recomended to use these… (link omitted intentionally – see response below)

Yes Neil, I always envisioned metal sheds when I first thought about writing this blog.  Especially when photographing Sunsets.  Oh and your link, well it leads back to your own website of shed products you sell.  Are you telling me your friend suggests you use your own products when building a shed?  Radical Idea!  Let me know how it turns out.

“AntivesJe” commenting on “Song Lyrics as Masterpieces” writes:

Рекомендую весьма новый сайт:

Не надо составлять подробную автобиографию (где и когда родился, где и когда женился и прочее).

Dear AntivesJe,

Все ваши базы принадлежат нам. Бог, я люблю эти интернет переводчиков …

“Ernesto” commenting on “Be Back Soon” writes:

great points altogether, you simply received a brand new reader. What would you recommend about your post that you simply made? Any certain?

Ernesto, I think perhaps the point was that I would be back soon.  Here’s hoping you won’t be back soon.  I’m certain…

“xxxporntube” commenting on “Us and Them” writes:

Hi There! I’ve gone ahead and bookmarked http://up2randomthoughts.wordpress.com/2011/10/22/us-and-them on Twitter so my friends can see it too. I simply used Us and Them Random Thoughts as the entry in my bookmark, as I figured if it is good enough for you to title your blog post that, then you probably would like to see it bookmarked the same way.

Great Caesar’s Ghost!  How in the hell did this happen?  Tweeting and bookmarking my posts to followers of a porn website?  I’m pretty sure they might have very different expectations of a link titled “Us and Them.”  Sheesh!!!

 

I never imagined spam could be so delicious and fun…

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Some Things Never Change

A few weeks back, my son returned home from college after his finals to visit us for a couple of days. It was a short visit.  He was taking extra classes this summer semester and found a summer job nearby campus, so he needed to get back.  Well, I’m pretty sure he came to visit anyway.  There were miscellaneous sightings from my wife and me, along with a few neighbors.  Further proof? There were baskets of clothes sitting by the washer in need of serious laundering, a whole bunch of food was missing from the refrigerator, and all my beer was gone.  Circumstantial evidence perhaps, but still a dead giveaway my son was home.  I know, I know, I’m kidding and exaggerating.  I really did see and interact with him in the flesh.  He needed money – again.

One night, my son wanders into the house with about a dozen of his friends and they were all gushing about how cool something or another was as they were passing around the ear buds to his iPod.  I asked him what was so interesting.  His response was, “We’re listening to a live Podcast of a band we all like.  This technology is so cool.  Can you believe it?  It’s streaming live right now from a club downtown.”

I started to think about this, and for some reason began blinking.  I’m not sure if it was just my mind processing what he just said, or if I was developing a nervous tick thinking about the 3 BMW’s I could have owned, all tossed away in the form of a college tuition.

“So… what’s so cool about that?” I asked.

“Dad, it’s LIVE!  It’s happening right now, and we’re listening to it via a stream!   Just imagine all the technology to do that!”

Oh, imagine I did.  I had this gnawing feeling inside me, a sense of Deja Vu about all this technology and its application to everyday life.  And then it hit me.

I tell ya, the iPod ain’t got nothin’ over this baby!  It’s completely portable and powered by a replaceable battery – no charger needed.  And of course it comes complete with an earbud – one.  But hey, you don’t need an ear bud because it can play through a built in speaker, so folks didn’t have to pass around or share that ear bud. Ha! And here’s the best thing – it picks up LIVE streams of AM signal.  Can you imagine that?  I’m talking about live people, music, and events you can listen to  in real time.  In fact, listening to a live Podcast … sorry, I meant Broadcast of the 1965 World Series on that technological wonder landed me a detention in Mrs. McF’s class. She just didn’t appreciate sports or technology it seems. Luckily, I only had to write, “I will not take my transistor radio to class” one hundred times on the blackboard before being sent home.

As I reflect on all this marvelous technology it occurs to me, in many ways, little has changed.  In fact, as I look at the box above, with that “hip” guy and young woman in Go-Go boots holding onto that radio grooving to the music, it bears a strange resemblance to what arguably must be their kids 30 years later:

Devil With The Blue Dress On – probably not on your iPod but always playing on that transistor radio.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Greetings!

I don’t want everyone (or at least the four or five folks who actually read my blog) thinking I’m really deep or profound all the time. I am easily amused observing trivial little ironies at some of the most mundane things; unfortunately at the expense of random folks forced to deal with me at those moments. Witness the following, an example of me in shallow, self-absorbed mode.

Those who know me know that I rarely set foot in a card store. I have what I thought was an endless supply of blank card stock – you know, the kind with an innocuous design on the outside and completely blank on the inside. I’ve used these for years to send personal handwritten notes to everyone I know for any and all occasions. Small problem – the endless supply ran out and my son’s birthday is coming up next week, so I thought I’d drop in the local card store at lunch to pick up a birthday card. As soon as I arrive I am greeted by a really perky, friendly store associate. Her name is Meg and she asks me what am I looking for. I tell her I am looking for a birthday card. Simple question, simple answer.

Meg then asks me, “What kind of birthday card are you looking for?”

“Huh? Um… how about one that says Happy Birthday?”

“They all say that. Well, actually some don’t. What I meant is, who is the card for?”

“Oh. My son.”

“Over here. Follow me.”

Criminy! We walk past a gauntlet of hundreds upon hundreds of specialty cards designed to be sent by cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents, friends, in-laws, out-laws, current lovers, clandestine lovers, and prison cell-mates. Finally we arrive at the section labeled “Son” – right next to the Son-in-law section and just above the Juvenile Son section. I guess it’s a rather slow day in the card store, because Meg is hanging around, watching me as I look over the cards. Or maybe she’s just worried I’ll run off with a bunch of birthday cards and sell them out of the trunk of my car. I hear the “To my Secretary/Mistress on her Birthday” is a real high demand item.

The very first card I grab says, “To Son on his Birthday.” I can’t help but notice Meg hovering over me while I’m smiling a bit, shaking my head with disbelief at the card.

“Is there something wrong?” she asks.

I can feel the devilish temptation to be snarky coming on. (Don’t do it, you’ll feel bad about it later. Must resist! Must not say something snarky. Must not… … … dammit!) I can’t help myself.

“You know Meg, I’m pretty sure my son knows it’s his birthday, and that’s why we’re sending him a card. He’s in college you see. Yes, smart kid. And I am totally convinced he knows he’s our son. Why, just last week he asked me for money – again. I’d say he’s got the son thing down pat. So I’m not sure we need a card that tells him who he is and why we’re sending it.”

She offers a smile. “Nothing wrong with being crystal clear.”

“I suppose so, but tell me, who is this on the cover of the card?”

“Oh, it’s just a picture of a young man – fishing.”

“But the young man in the picture is not my son. And my real son doesn’t fish. Why would I send my son a card that says, ‘To Son on his Birthday’ with a picture of a strange young man doing something my son doesn’t do?” Actually I’m starting to get confused myself.

She offers, “Well, if you don’t want that card, we’ve got plenty more right here. What are you looking for?”

“How about one that says Happy Birthday?”

Meg is no longer smiling, and I feel a bit guilty about my snarkiness. “I’m sorry, I don’t mean to be a smart-ass. Let me look through these and I’ll try to find one on my own.” I start to go through the assorted cards. Sheesh! What a collection!

• Son, we are so proud of you on your Birthday. (What, no one is proud on the other 364 days?)
• What is a Son? (Are you kidding me?)
• For a Special Son. (I feel sorry for all those regular sons.)

Finally! A card that just says Happy Birthday on the outside. I pick it up and open it to read what is written on the inside.
…
…
Gaaaaa!!!!

“Oh Meg?”

“Yes?”

“Do you have blank cards?”

“On the side wall.”

Thankfully, I found a nice collection of blank card stock – you know, the kind with the innocuous design on the outside and completely blank on the inside. As I approach the register to pay, a very nice, perky store manager asks me if I’d like to buy some Halloween cards.

…
…

“Er… um… People send out cards for Halloween???”

I could see Meg out of the corner of my eye bolting for the back of the store. I guess it must have been time for her work break.

~~~~~~~~~