Home > humor, snarkiness > Of Spurious Spam and Non Sequiturs – Part I

Of Spurious Spam and Non Sequiturs – Part I

 

I almost never look at my site stats, for I am convinced they are evil.  And yet this morning I gave in to the temptation and noticed all kinds of information about how many visits were made to my blog, how many hits per day, what kinds of clicks are done, and all other kinds of meaningless information that will allow me to draw all sorts of odd conclusions as to whether or not mine is a successful blog in the eyes of WordPress.  It was then that I noticed the Comments summary; not the normal comments I am aware of and have responded to all along, but the ones that some robotic fellow named Akismet had sequestered away in clandestine quarters labeled SPAM…

Since I need to update my blog anyway as my Halloween post is now stale and out of date, I thought I would have a little fun copying a few of those interesting comments and perhaps respond to them here.  I wouldn’t want the Spammers thinking I’m a rude person, ignoring them.  What a fun little exercise!

“{Nonameattached}  (at) … (dot) … (com)” commenting on “Weekly Photo Challenge” writes:

{Hello|Hi} just thought i would tell you something.. This is twice now i’ve landed on your blog in the last {2|3} {days|weeks} {looking|searching|hunting} for {completely|totally} unrelated things. Spooky or what?…

Well then…  {Hello|Hi} to {you|it} this {morning|afternoon|evening}. I too just thought I would tell you something.  This is {several|many} times I’ve read this comment in the last {2|3} {minutes|hours} {looking|searching|hunting} for {something|anything} remotely related to {a point|evidence of brain activity} .

Spooky indeed…

“xrumerguy” commenting on “Song Lyrics as Masterpieces” writes:

Wonderful beat ! I wish to apprentice while you amend your web site, how could i subscribe for a blog site? The account helped me a acceptable deal. I have been tiny bit acquainted of this your broadcast provided vivid transparent idea

How very fortunate of me!  I didn’t realize I would be amending my web site, let alone have a need for an apprentice.  I’ll get back to you as soon as I figure out what a vivid transparent idea is…

“Neillonghirst” commenting on “Weekly Photo Challenge” writes:

i hope you dont mind me posting this for my first post , i found up2randomthoughts.wordpress.com while searching for materials and hope its the right site to ask this question, i was wondering if any one on here has any good information on metal sheds, i was thinking of building from scratch but i cant find any info or construction drawings on one,it needs to be around 14 meters x 22 meters with a large door at the front,
there was a guy who posted here a few weeks back who said he knew of a computer softwear program to design them if he sees this would you please pm me now so i can get back to you or if any one can help me please reply as i have tried googling it but seem to get loads of rubbish, i could also do with some help with the structure parts i have been recomended to use these… (link omitted intentionally – see response below)

Yes Neil, I always envisioned metal sheds when I first thought about writing this blog.  Especially when photographing Sunsets.  Oh and your link, well it leads back to your own website of shed products you sell.  Are you telling me your friend suggests you use your own products when building a shed?  Radical Idea!  Let me know how it turns out.

“AntivesJe” commenting on “Song Lyrics as Masterpieces” writes:

Рекомендую весьма новый сайт:

Не надо составлять подробную автобиографию (где и когда родился, где и когда женился и прочее).

Dear AntivesJe,

Все ваши базы принадлежат нам. Бог, я люблю эти интернет переводчиков …

“Ernesto” commenting on “Be Back Soon” writes:

great points altogether, you simply received a brand new reader. What would you recommend about your post that you simply made? Any certain?

Ernesto, I think perhaps the point was that I would be back soon.  Here’s hoping you won’t be back soon.  I’m certain…

“xxxporntube” commenting on “Us and Them” writes:

Hi There! I’ve gone ahead and bookmarked https://up2randomthoughts.wordpress.com/2011/10/22/us-and-them on Twitter so my friends can see it too. I simply used Us and Them Random Thoughts as the entry in my bookmark, as I figured if it is good enough for you to title your blog post that, then you probably would like to see it bookmarked the same way.

Great Caesar’s Ghost!  How in the hell did this happen?  Tweeting and bookmarking my posts to followers of a porn website?  I’m pretty sure they might have very different expectations of a link titled “Us and Them.”  Sheesh!!!

 

I never imagined spam could be so delicious and fun…

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  1. Ursula
    November 2, 2011 at 6:33 pm

    Dearest sweetest Heart, now you know why I never ever look at statistics or spam. Spam is like sperm (please do note the alliteration). Either you hit the egg or you are a goner and ignored. Admittedly there are people, not least GG (Gay Guy) and Val who freely admit being obsessed with their stats. If I were in charge of wordpress (thank dog I am not) I’d never let anyone into any redundant info like who visited whom when. If you want to preen look no further than Oscar Wilde and your attic.

    Other than that: It’s all Greek to me.

    U

    • November 2, 2011 at 11:20 pm

      Spam as sperm? Never thought of it that way. And now I’m not sure if I should feel sorry for all those goners or the poor egg that gets fertilized. Or maybe both!

      I think it might be refreshing to have you in charge of WordPress for just one day, just to see what kind of mischief you would release.

  2. November 2, 2011 at 6:51 pm

    Ummm, Random Dude of thoughts. Wat a grate site you have. U are so lucky to think of making such superb article. Now, get in the back seat.

    Signed,
    LMAO

    Fun post, Phil. Now, your spammers will know how much you care. 🙂

    • November 2, 2011 at 11:24 pm

      Dear LMAO,

      Are you related to LOL? Or maybe ROFL? Just wonderin’.

      Tots, I’m doing my part to welcome the spammers in my own special way. My mamma always told me I should be polite.

      • November 3, 2011 at 3:50 pm

        They are my third cousins on my daddy’s side whose momma married in. 🙂

        Yes, you are polite and entertaining, I must say. How about you doing a post on the things your parents taught you. I need to learn some manners. 🙂

        • November 3, 2011 at 4:46 pm

          Yeah, well before I write about my parents in the blogosphere, I need to make sure I’ve secured from them my high school prom pictures that they display in their living room. My kids are currently negotiating terms with them and if they hit the Internet, I’ll be ruined!!! So the parent post will have to wait until I’ve destroyed secured those pictures, and negatives… 🙂

        • November 5, 2011 at 10:14 pm

          I see where you get your sense of humor. You came out stronger though. 🙂

      • November 3, 2011 at 6:46 pm

        Can;t be all that bad.

        • November 4, 2011 at 9:05 am

          Tots, picture a 1970’s guy, with really big hair in a tux made out of material that looks like a bad wallpaper swatch sample; overly frilly, ruffled white shirt; a crushed velour bow-tie, the size of which would make Bozo the clown blush; and of course, platform shoes! Yes Tots, I blame my parents for allowing me out of the house looking like that. Of course, they were taking pictures, probably laughing their asses off with the thought that they could now hold me hostage forever…

  3. November 2, 2011 at 7:44 pm

    See Phil, even spammers love you ❤

    I found that quite interesting. With my food posts I don't get nearly as much, well, of anything like that.

    • November 2, 2011 at 11:27 pm

      Carol,

      I’m thinking the spammers have seen you skillfully wielding that knife of yours TSG sent your way, and they have seen you play with fire as well, so maybe they’re just keeping a safe distance lest they wind up as one of your dinners… 🙂

  4. Rob Rubin
    November 2, 2011 at 8:01 pm

    I would only be so lucky to get that much spam. Feel free to leave totally unrelated comments about my blog on my page. I’m like a defiant child…negative attention is still attention.

    Rob
    http://www.themainland.net

    • November 2, 2011 at 11:29 pm

      Rob,

      All your base are belong to us…

      Bwahahahaha!

  5. November 3, 2011 at 11:24 am

    Hi Phil,

    This is a great post. I get these spam messages all the time and can’t be bother to look at it so I just delete it. Thanks for your beautiful gift and message. Hope your Thursday is wonderful and I wish you a beautiful upcoming weekend.

    Love, Peace, Happiness
    Bev

    • November 3, 2011 at 12:52 pm

      Thank you Bev. I just thought I’d have a little fun before tossing them into the trash.

  6. November 3, 2011 at 11:28 am

    LOL! I’m very grateful to Akismet though…

    • November 3, 2011 at 12:55 pm

      Yes LadyFi. I too am grateful for Aksiment, in more ways than one. What wonderful fodder for my amusement! I’m glad you enjoyed the humor.

  7. November 3, 2011 at 2:06 pm

    hello
    some greetings from Black Forest….(Nikkis Halloween guestbook)
    have a goog time…. Rolf

    • November 3, 2011 at 4:39 pm

      Thanks for dropping in Rolf.

  8. November 3, 2011 at 3:08 pm

    You don’t get the bad Russian romance novels that are basically written porn as comments? Pity, they are incredibly entertaining.

    • November 3, 2011 at 4:41 pm

      Aw man, now I’m feeling left out! I’m sure it won’t be long before they catch up and find me though, since that xxxporntube guy is tweeting and bookmarking me.

  9. November 3, 2011 at 4:27 pm

    That Stats page is providing more fun than we’re allowed to have. I wonder if the WordPress people ever thought we’d get so much entertainment out of it? We Bloggers are a resourceful crew, aren’t we?

    I peek at my spam and I’m tempted to write a blog about it. But you’re post would be tough to top… Great job, Phil! 🙂

    • November 3, 2011 at 4:43 pm

      Lorna, you were the inspiration for this post. I piggy-backed off your post about the search terms and loved the way you lampooned them. So this Bill-the-Cat guy is really a copy cat…

  10. November 4, 2011 at 9:37 am

    –Phil,
    everyone Loves you, dear. Everybody. Spam adores you, too! I guess they aaaint so dumb afterall. XXXXX

    • November 4, 2011 at 10:00 am

      Yes Kim, I was feeling the Spam love yesterday morning, and thought I should give ’em a bit of love back, my style… 🙂

  11. November 4, 2011 at 10:18 am

    Phil this is hilarious! I love your humor, especially being able to turn something as annoying as spam into a very funny blog post.
    Someone asking how to build a metal shed is a new one to me, how bizarre.
    I think I better go work on something now to replace my stale and out of date halloween post;) lol. Hope you have a great Friday. Hugs, Nikki

    • November 4, 2011 at 1:33 pm

      Thanks Nikki, glad you got some laughs out of this. Oh, and regarding that stale post, I hear that adding a bit of spam to stale things might spice it up some… 🙂

    • November 8, 2011 at 7:22 pm

      LOL you’re pretty funny as well as famous!;) Well I’ll have you know that I won’t need the spam afterall, i’ve finally updated:P

  12. November 4, 2011 at 10:49 am

    Too funny. But I can beat that.

    So, I’m checking my spam box for my science for kids blog – http://theexplorationstation.wordpress.com/

    The first eyebrow raiser was from a Histrionic Personality Disorder website (which actually could come in handy since I’m so exhibitionist ‘coz it’s all about me, me, ME! kidding – NARF!), one from a site about green stools (and no, not the kind you sit on), one from a user “Sebaceous Prominence” with a public service announcement about white spots on a male’s um…”tool” (kind of like the one you drill…but not at all…like it).

    By far my favorite is this one from a stem cell research article database:

    “Hi my loved one! I want to say that this post is awesome, nice written and come with approximately all significant infos.”

    Is it sad that I got a warm fuzzy from a randomly generated spam? Man, this chest cold I have is making me pathetic.

    Casey

    • November 4, 2011 at 1:37 pm

      I’m thinking that maybe we introduce Sebaceous Prominence to xxxporntube fellow, and maybe together they can talk all about those white spots and …


      er…

      I just threw-up in my mouth a little, thinking about that…

  13. jennygoth
    November 4, 2011 at 2:17 pm

    the only place for spam is in my dogs dish she loves it lol xxjen

    • November 5, 2011 at 7:51 am

      I’ll have to mix some in for my own dog, now that you mention it! Spam, it’s not just for humans. Not sure it ever really was for humans now that I think about it…

  14. November 4, 2011 at 4:42 pm

    Phil, I have to read my spam comments before thinking “Why bother?” and then take pleasure in clicking on the delete permanently button and watch the cell go red. It’s the redness and the delete permanently phrase that I like…

    • November 5, 2011 at 7:55 am

      Tom, I suppose I wanted to put some of the more bizarre Spam messages into a special antechamber for an extra scrubbing before sending them on their way to their own hell known as the “Delete Permanently” button.

  15. Androgoth
    November 4, 2011 at 5:40 pm

    An interesting mix there Phil, I wonder if the metal shed guy found his fetish? 🙂 lol How many of these have you got by the way? I have only got three on mine, maybe it’s the Bloody Vampires that scare them off? 🙂 lol

    Have a great rest of day and evening Phil…

    Androgoth

    • November 5, 2011 at 7:58 am

      Androgoth,

      I had well over forty, but selected the few that seemed the most ridiculous and bizarre, especially as it related to which posts they would have attached to had Akismet not filtered them out. I suppose you are correct – the spammers might be rather scared of Vampires, Werewolves, and other ghoulish carnivores lurking about your site, looking for an opportune piece of meat…

      Enjoy your weekend my friend.

      • Androgoth
        November 5, 2011 at 6:20 pm

        Yes I will be keeping a close watch on those stats
        from now on, just to see if I acquire any bizzare or
        utterly weird characters daring to set foot inside my
        Realm of Darkness, of course their fate will be that
        of a thousand evil deaths if they do but hey, I might
        be generous and let at least one of them live 🙂 lol

        Thank you for calling by this evening Phil, you are
        always very welcome inside my Space, just watch
        where you are walking, especially by the Tomb of
        the Vampire Queen…

        Yes be careful as he is a right Wufta 😦 lol

        Androgoth

  16. Val
    November 5, 2011 at 1:24 pm

    This reminds me that it’s a very long time since I’ve posted any oinky-meatbot poetry or art (oinky-meatbot=spam). Maybe it’s time to do some more. I have fun with some of them, too…

    I don’t get any spam in my comments summary… maybe because I moderate comments? (I can’t remember if you do or not, but I know I’ll find out in a moment!)

    🙂

    • November 5, 2011 at 3:23 pm

      Hi Val. I don’t moderate every comment, but do moderate first-time comments by new posters. Should I then approve of these posts, the WordPress system trusts the sender. Spam on the other hand apparently shows up in a special folder labeled as Spam on the Dashboard page. As I mentioned, I rarely look on that page, but happened to notice there were more than 40 spam messages sitting there. Apparently they get deleted in time, so chances are I’ve received lots more that were already trashed by the time I noticed the list.

      I’d be delighted to see some oinky-meatbot poetry and artwork. I can’t wait to see how you play with it.

      • Val
        November 6, 2011 at 12:24 pm

        You can find my previous two posts (curiously, I thought there were more, maybe I forgot to give them all categories):
        http://absurdoldbird.wordpress.com/category/oinky-meatbots/ 🙂

        • November 6, 2011 at 12:37 pm

          Val, I took the liberty of amending your link, as it pointed back to my own post, unless you meant to imply that my post was an oinky meatbot… 🙂

  17. jennygoth
    November 5, 2011 at 3:23 pm

    hi phil hope your havin a spam free saturday lol although a little in your bonfire frazzled might be good lol fireworks all round my house tonight how about yours xxjen

    • November 5, 2011 at 3:27 pm

      No fireworks here. Precious few Americans even know about Guy Fawkes Night around these parts. Enjoy the display. Try not to blow up anything… 🙂

  18. jennygoth
    November 5, 2011 at 3:55 pm

    lol the only thing i can blow up tonight phil is a chicken for tommorrows lunch but i can name him gunpowder in a pot lol have a great sunday lots of fireworks here tonight xxjen

  19. Val
    November 7, 2011 at 8:17 am

    That’s weird, Phil. That’s the second link I’ve posted that hasn’t worked the way it was intended to… Thanks for changing it.

    • November 7, 2011 at 9:23 pm

      You’re welcome, Val. I don’t know what happened, but the fix was easy, so no worries.

  20. November 7, 2011 at 8:51 pm

    Well, if you are doing your part to attract spammers – you did, and some of them are Russians. If you need help with translation feel free to contact your other Russian spammer. On the serious note, I finally jumped over here from Totsy blog to see what is going on over here and I like it, I like it a lot.
    Sincerely,
    Your new Russian spammer.

    • November 7, 2011 at 9:32 pm

      Ariana,

      Я благодарен за ваше любезное предложение стать моим переводчиком Россия спама. Я рад слышать, что вы наслаждаться тем, что вы видите здесь, и надеюсь, что вы вновь посетить в ближайшее время.

      I sure hope the online translator works and that I haven’t said something like, “thank you so much for providing me the two goats for my live farm animal collection in my guest bedroom.”

      Like I always say, you can never have enough Russian spammers around, especially ones that land here from Totsy’s blog. Thanks for stopping by.

  21. November 7, 2011 at 10:25 pm

    You almost got me with your perfect russian. Are you sure you are not niding here from KGB and those Russian spammers finially tacked you down?

  22. November 8, 2011 at 2:12 pm

    Love it! I don’t know which one is funnier the spam comments or your replies to them. Either way, good things can come from SPAM — like this hilarious post. I too get my daily dose of spam and when I published my first blog post I received a comment almost immediately and I was like — cool! Then I read the comment and thought that doesn’t seem right. My first post was about being single and loving it and the commenter was talking about some kind of viagra like pill …

    • November 9, 2011 at 12:48 am

      Thanks Lafemme. While I hoped my comments would be funny, the fact that the spam messages were supposed to be serious makes them even funnier! Strange world.

      And oh those viagra like pill ads. I’m reminded of an old Mae West quote, “A hard man is good to find.” 🙂

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